Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
