Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
