one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
