Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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