i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
