I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
A+ Viking dick
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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