just come out here and I will go home with you...
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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