we have officially mastered the walk of shame
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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