What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
