someone get that fucking seahorse.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
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