I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
