I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
