I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
