Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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