yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
