I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
