I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
