last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
