the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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