The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
