the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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