why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
