i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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