someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
