I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
