I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
should my penis look like a turkey
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
