I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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