the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize