he puts the penis in happiness.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
