apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
