I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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