things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
