Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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