Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
