he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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