i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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