I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
