oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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