i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
