just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
