If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
