Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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