the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
