why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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