Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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