final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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