She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
