On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You're like the curious george of whores
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
