i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
