im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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