Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
