yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
