Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
