My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
